LOST ( I dont have talent)

I should be studying but I can't ,
I just can't .
I have been doing a lot of thinking.


 Every since I took up linear algebra I have been thinking and thinking if I should continue .
Continue what ?
Actuarial science , going to the stats and so much more .
To make matters worst all the people that supported and funded my college fees don't care about me anymore ,
All they care is about saving money now,
they kept asking me not to go America its too far ,too cold and blablaba.
But the exact same group of person kept asking me to apply to Germany ,
WTF Germany is further ,colder and think about the language barrier ?
Just because Germany is cheaper I should consider ,
Now everyone just doesn't want me to go America,
Please don't give me stupid excuses ,
Just because America is expensive .

I am angry ,
I am not saying I take going to America for granted ,
But I am angry ,
Two years back when I just wanted to study locally or some twining pro ,
Why all these people promised to fund me ,
To fund me to pursue my education aboard ,
and even the US .
Now with my current course I am taking ,
Its so hard for me to go anywhere other than America,
I am furious with everyone that had promise me .



Talking about actuarial science ,
I am sad ,
beause I just relaised I have no intrest at all,
Its scary,
for the past 19 years I never really did anything that I love,
I was just living the life thta everyone wanted me to,
Juts studying and going online someday ,
nothing fancy ,
I tried finding intrest ,
I tried art (I love it but I was never creative ),
I tried reading story books (I havent finish a book in a year idk)
I guess I love the internet to much ,
I am now too lazy to do anything ,
(other than youtube ,social medias, drama )
The only thing I love is to sleep ,eat ,travel and makeup ,
Nothing special ,
which is why I am freaking out ,
I am not special ,
I dont have any talent


I hate myself ,
I hate myself because I always give up half way ,
I always procrastinate
Like
How I stop learning art ,
How I write many draft in this blog halfway ,
How I took a 7 day vlogs of my trip but ended u posting and only finishing 1 day of vlog in a year ,
How I never maintain any friendship,
I don't take initiative to talk to my best friend2 years ago,
Now I don't even know if we are  friends anymore ,
How I am always jealous of others ,
and never improving myself,
How I gave up studying actuarial science after 2 years (I swear I lost interested in this major over time, Its hard but to me its bcs I dropped Linear Algebra this semester ,I drop it bcs m point were too low and I cant pull it back ,I am dropping it for long run ,for my gpa .)
How I am now thinking about giving up on going to the us (I always wanted to just go aus because everything is simple compare to us but my parents wanted me to go US but know they are saying no to US ,if I were to go else all the effort and time in the past 2 years was never worth )