I am feeling down again,
Its Christmas,
I feel useless I couldn't do anything but be upset.
(in this supposed to be joyful day)
Starting to feel useless,
questioning my own self-worth.
My self-esteem issues are back,
I am starting to question myself again.
It only took two,
just two person to praise my one of my closet friend that she is pretty and smart ,
and I feel shitty about myself ,
I feel useless,
I feel ugly.
I have a lot of due date on hand ,
but I feel so hopeless .
Why am I crying when I am going out later .
Jolin 2017.
Feeling helpess .
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Monday, December 5, 2016
Rush
I just saw a photo posted by my high school best friend ,
A 6 months anniversary photo,
I don't even know they are together ,
I feel like a lousy friend ,
sometimes it really not that I don't want to care,
I hate it when people get irritated by me ,
So I rather not care ,
If you were to talk to me first I am fine and happy,
but I just don't have the intention,
more like I am afraid to make the first step to talk with anyone.
If u have known me for a long time ,
or if u are close to me ,
I always get jealous whenever my friends are in relationship,
I don't hate being single,
I am being a +1 ,
I hate people thinking me as a duff(Designated Ugly Fat Friend ),
Even though I am not fat but I have insecurities ,
I am afraid that my insecurity will be others laughing stock,
I hate the fact that why it's not me ,
I hate that there isn't anyone who is by myself,
this is why I am angry.
But this time ,
It's so different ,
Instead, this time I am happy for my high school best friend,
I truly am ,
I am glad that she have found him .
I guess I have grown so much since my previous relationship and the past one year ,
The people around is different as well,
My college close friends are all still single,
And I guess this have given me some comfort ,
So I am alright ! :)
lOver the past year I have learned that ,
fate will occur anytime at any place ,
even if you aren't expecting it ,
you are never too old to start a relationship or find someone need
and sometimes not all relationship lasts.
When I was in high school ,
I did a huge mistake,
I choose to be with someone that like me because the person that I like doesn't like me back ,
We dated because I was selfish ,lonely and I needed his affection,
I tried to like him I really did ,
He knew He knew I tried ,
But we only dated for a little while ,
He was a player ,
He immediately fall for someone else,
This whole thing ended up so badly ,
We ended up not talking anymore ,
But it's okay ,
I have learned let it go a long time ago ,
I have come to realizing a long time ago ,
It's okay for relationship to not last,
Don't ever rush into a relationship no matter what ,
Attitude ,seeing the same goals and effort always come first before physical appearance .
It's even okay if nobody like you ,
It's better to be lonely than to be with the wrong company .
I would lie ,
I would say I don't like anyone ,
In college ,1 years six months,
I meet many new people ,
I was attracted to different people who doesn't like me back ,
There are some people who have show affection for me who wasn't for me ,
there are people that are just friends all this while ,
Some people who don't talk to me anymore for I don't know why ,
For now ,I am liking someone who probably doesn't like me back ,
he is a gentleman he really is ,
he has a good temper and always treat people around him well,
we shared so many interests and we kinda have any similarity ,
he sings (although he doesn't have the best voice) listening to his voice always made me feel safe ,
that's why I like him ,
I wanted it to be us so badly .
But he could have so many girls better than me ,
why would he even consider me ?
I mean seriously I am not hoping for anything .
I guess he will remain as my facebook and snap chat friend .
It's okay ,I will be fine .
This time I am not rushing .
A 6 months anniversary photo,
I don't even know they are together ,
I feel like a lousy friend ,
sometimes it really not that I don't want to care,
I hate it when people get irritated by me ,
So I rather not care ,
If you were to talk to me first I am fine and happy,
but I just don't have the intention,
more like I am afraid to make the first step to talk with anyone.
If u have known me for a long time ,
or if u are close to me ,
I always get jealous whenever my friends are in relationship,
I don't hate being single,
I am being a +1 ,
I hate people thinking me as a duff(Designated Ugly Fat Friend ),
Even though I am not fat but I have insecurities ,
I am afraid that my insecurity will be others laughing stock,
I hate the fact that why it's not me ,
I hate that there isn't anyone who is by myself,
this is why I am angry.
But this time ,
It's so different ,
Instead, this time I am happy for my high school best friend,
I truly am ,
I am glad that she have found him .
I guess I have grown so much since my previous relationship and the past one year ,
The people around is different as well,
My college close friends are all still single,
And I guess this have given me some comfort ,
So I am alright ! :)
lOver the past year I have learned that ,
fate will occur anytime at any place ,
even if you aren't expecting it ,
you are never too old to start a relationship or find someone need
and sometimes not all relationship lasts.
When I was in high school ,
I did a huge mistake,
I choose to be with someone that like me because the person that I like doesn't like me back ,
We dated because I was selfish ,lonely and I needed his affection,
I tried to like him I really did ,
He knew He knew I tried ,
But we only dated for a little while ,
He was a player ,
He immediately fall for someone else,
This whole thing ended up so badly ,
We ended up not talking anymore ,
But it's okay ,
I have learned let it go a long time ago ,
I have come to realizing a long time ago ,
It's okay for relationship to not last,
Don't ever rush into a relationship no matter what ,
Attitude ,seeing the same goals and effort always come first before physical appearance .
It's even okay if nobody like you ,
It's better to be lonely than to be with the wrong company .
I would lie ,
I would say I don't like anyone ,
In college ,1 years six months,
I meet many new people ,
I was attracted to different people who doesn't like me back ,
There are some people who have show affection for me who wasn't for me ,
there are people that are just friends all this while ,
Some people who don't talk to me anymore for I don't know why ,
For now ,I am liking someone who probably doesn't like me back ,
he is a gentleman he really is ,
he has a good temper and always treat people around him well,
we shared so many interests and we kinda have any similarity ,
he sings (although he doesn't have the best voice) listening to his voice always made me feel safe ,
that's why I like him ,
I wanted it to be us so badly .
But he could have so many girls better than me ,
why would he even consider me ?
I mean seriously I am not hoping for anything .
I guess he will remain as my facebook and snap chat friend .
It's okay ,I will be fine .
This time I am not rushing .
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
LOST ( I dont have talent)
I should be studying but I can't ,
I just can't .
I have been doing a lot of thinking.
Every since I took up linear algebra I have been thinking and thinking if I should continue .
Continue what ?
Actuarial science , going to the stats and so much more .
To make matters worst all the people that supported and funded my college fees don't care about me anymore ,
All they care is about saving money now,
they kept asking me not to go America its too far ,too cold and blablaba.
But the exact same group of person kept asking me to apply to Germany ,
WTF Germany is further ,colder and think about the language barrier ?
Just because Germany is cheaper I should consider ,
Now everyone just doesn't want me to go America,
Please don't give me stupid excuses ,
Just because America is expensive .
I am angry ,
I am not saying I take going to America for granted ,
But I am angry ,
Two years back when I just wanted to study locally or some twining pro ,
Why all these people promised to fund me ,
To fund me to pursue my education aboard ,
and even the US .
Now with my current course I am taking ,
Its so hard for me to go anywhere other than America,
I am furious with everyone that had promise me .
Talking about actuarial science ,
I am sad ,
beause I just relaised I have no intrest at all,
Its scary,
for the past 19 years I never really did anything that I love,
I was just living the life thta everyone wanted me to,
Juts studying and going online someday ,
nothing fancy ,
I tried finding intrest ,
I tried art (I love it but I was never creative ),
I tried reading story books (I havent finish a book in a year idk)
I guess I love the internet to much ,
I am now too lazy to do anything ,
(other than youtube ,social medias, drama )
The only thing I love is to sleep ,eat ,travel and makeup ,
Nothing special ,
which is why I am freaking out ,
I am not special ,
I dont have any talent
I hate myself ,
I hate myself because I always give up half way ,
I always procrastinate
Like
How I stop learning art ,
How I write many draft in this blog halfway ,
How I took a 7 day vlogs of my trip but ended u posting and only finishing 1 day of vlog in a year ,
How I never maintain any friendship,
I don't take initiative to talk to my best friend2 years ago,
Now I don't even know if we are friends anymore ,
How I am always jealous of others ,
and never improving myself,
How I gave up studying actuarial science after 2 years (I swear I lost interested in this major over time, Its hard but to me its bcs I dropped Linear Algebra this semester ,I drop it bcs m point were too low and I cant pull it back ,I am dropping it for long run ,for my gpa .)
How I am now thinking about giving up on going to the us (I always wanted to just go aus because everything is simple compare to us but my parents wanted me to go US but know they are saying no to US ,if I were to go else all the effort and time in the past 2 years was never worth )
I just can't .
I have been doing a lot of thinking.
Every since I took up linear algebra I have been thinking and thinking if I should continue .
Continue what ?
Actuarial science , going to the stats and so much more .
To make matters worst all the people that supported and funded my college fees don't care about me anymore ,
All they care is about saving money now,
they kept asking me not to go America its too far ,too cold and blablaba.
But the exact same group of person kept asking me to apply to Germany ,
WTF Germany is further ,colder and think about the language barrier ?
Just because Germany is cheaper I should consider ,
Now everyone just doesn't want me to go America,
Please don't give me stupid excuses ,
Just because America is expensive .
I am angry ,
I am not saying I take going to America for granted ,
But I am angry ,
Two years back when I just wanted to study locally or some twining pro ,
Why all these people promised to fund me ,
To fund me to pursue my education aboard ,
and even the US .
Now with my current course I am taking ,
Its so hard for me to go anywhere other than America,
I am furious with everyone that had promise me .
Talking about actuarial science ,
I am sad ,
beause I just relaised I have no intrest at all,
Its scary,
for the past 19 years I never really did anything that I love,
I was just living the life thta everyone wanted me to,
Juts studying and going online someday ,
nothing fancy ,
I tried finding intrest ,
I tried art (I love it but I was never creative ),
I tried reading story books (I havent finish a book in a year idk)
I guess I love the internet to much ,
I am now too lazy to do anything ,
(other than youtube ,social medias, drama )
The only thing I love is to sleep ,eat ,travel and makeup ,
Nothing special ,
which is why I am freaking out ,
I am not special ,
I dont have any talent
I hate myself ,
I hate myself because I always give up half way ,
I always procrastinate
Like
How I stop learning art ,
How I write many draft in this blog halfway ,
How I took a 7 day vlogs of my trip but ended u posting and only finishing 1 day of vlog in a year ,
How I never maintain any friendship,
I don't take initiative to talk to my best friend2 years ago,
Now I don't even know if we are friends anymore ,
How I am always jealous of others ,
and never improving myself,
How I gave up studying actuarial science after 2 years (I swear I lost interested in this major over time, Its hard but to me its bcs I dropped Linear Algebra this semester ,I drop it bcs m point were too low and I cant pull it back ,I am dropping it for long run ,for my gpa .)
How I am now thinking about giving up on going to the us (I always wanted to just go aus because everything is simple compare to us but my parents wanted me to go US but know they are saying no to US ,if I were to go else all the effort and time in the past 2 years was never worth )
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
假装不在乎
其实我真的很不懂为什么之前你要对我那么好。在我面前那么kind那么gentlemen 。特别对我一个人好。又不是因为我朋友而对我好的人。为什么可以现在什么都不说就静静的。好像朋友都不是。我就一直逃避不去想。其实我还是很喜欢你。可是我真的看不到未来。我真的很害怕所以只能假装不在乎😢
Monday, November 14, 2016
Saturday, October 8, 2016
I have been thinking a lot for the past few weeks. I decided to give up on liking my crush .
WHY ?
Most importantly I don't think he likes me .(I don't care if he is still pretending or what ?but with all the mixed signals I am sick ).Then again I think he sees me as his sister instead of someone he might potentially like .I need to focus on finding a good uni instead of a boy you know what I mean .Whatever in conclusion I think that it's best for me to forget about him .
WHY ?
Most importantly I don't think he likes me .(I don't care if he is still pretending or what ?but with all the mixed signals I am sick ).Then again I think he sees me as his sister instead of someone he might potentially like .I need to focus on finding a good uni instead of a boy you know what I mean .Whatever in conclusion I think that it's best for me to forget about him .
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Thanks for the memories
They said it was love, everyone taught that we were meant to be , I taught that was real too ,at that point everything seems to happen for a reason or maybe you were the reason ,everything was on the right track, I woke up everyday with tones of excitement thinking of what we woud be ,at that point of life I couldn't even sleep much, I was too excited with life or maybe a life with you. Till the day when I realize that all of that wasn't right .My world all in the sudden crash into pieces, knowing that the same situation had happened to me again, everything immediately ran into wrong tracks, everything felt wrong as it everything happen just to punish me that I wasn't good enough.I don't feel like waking up every morning, I just felt so tired all-day knowing that it's just gonna be another day without u ,I got nothing to look forward ,everything seems to empty so meaningless. Maybe because I am tried finding the mistakes that I made, finding what I have done wrong, finding the reasons why I was punished, finding the right feeling ,a world without someone that truly understands me, someone that would love me the way I love him, and a world without you .
-jolin-
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